Controlled
by PixieKayGirl
Summary: Why does Kathryn Janeway always feel she has to be so thoroughly in control of every situation? Janeway depression series story #3. Recommend reading "In the Darkness" and "The Leak" first.


_A/N: This is the third story I've written in what has become a series of Janeway depression stories. They are my way of dealing with my own depression by relating certain elements to our dear captain. They are also J/C stories because, well, I'm a huge J/C shipper always. If you haven't yet, I do recommend reading the previous stories,_ In the Darkness _and _The Leak_, before reading this story. There aren't huge spoilers, but there are some little allusions that will just make a bit more sense with the context of the previous stories, and previous discussions they've had about her depression. I hope you enjoy, and to anyone else who deals with similar things or who knows someone who does, I hope this is helpful to you as well._

Kathryn stared out the window of her ready room, arms folded around her abdomen, glaring at the stars as they went by. The usual chime alerted her to a presence outside her door.

"Come," she snapped. The doors whooshed open and she knew who had entered, but she did not turn around. Instead, she asked in a voice as cold as the space she was staring into, "Did you enjoy yourself, Commander?"

There was a slight hesitation, presumably as Chakotay wondered whether to respond directly or question what had her so angry with him. But when he broke the silence, it was with a simple, "Yes, Captain, thank you."

She snorted slightly. "Sure. Of course." The sarcasm dripping from her voice was entirely outside her control at this point. "Why wouldn't it be a good time? Well, your report to Tuvok said you got the dilithium, so I suppose it was successful. You're dismissed, Commander."

A beat passed, then two, in which she heard no sound of movement from behind her. She could easily have shifted her eyes from the darkness of space to the reflection of Chakotay's image, but she couldn't bear to look at him right now. She knew she would crumble the second she saw him, and she simply couldn't afford to do that.

But then she felt, rather than heard, his approach, and glanced at his reflection after all, just a second before he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She stiffened. "You know this is inappropriate in the read-"

He cut her off, hugging her slightly tighter while he whispered, "How long?"

And that was it. That was all that he needed to say for her to break down entirely, sag against him, sag with him down to the couch they were standing in front of, and sob. He didn't say another word, just held her close.

Finally, when she could speak again, she whispered, "How did you know?"

"Because I know you, Kathryn. I know when you're genuinely angry with me, and when you're just trying to maintain a tenuous control."

"And failing."

"Hey, it's just me. It's okay for you to let go of control sometimes."

"It absolutely isn't."

"Why? Out there, sure, in charge of the ship, certainly, but when it's just us, why do you have to maintain your control every second? What's the worst that could happen?"

She pulled back and arched an eyebrow at him that belied the tear-streaked face it adorned. "Honestly? Are you honestly asking me what the worst is that could happen? On duty or off, I'm never truly _off_, Chakotay. You know that. I can't be. There is an entire ship of 147 people whose lives all depend on my correct decision-making skills. Every. Single. Time."

"148 people, Kathryn."

"I already counted the Doctor."

"I know. But there's also you. Your life depends on your decisions as well, and you know this decision to close yourself in and refuse to let those of us who love you know when you need help is not healthy."

"I'm not talking about my life, you know I'd give it in a heartbeat if it would get the rest of this crew home."

"And you know we'd never let you. The Void taught us that."

"Yes, and that race of experimenting aliens, and our encounter with Kashyyk, and our encounter with the Equinox, all taught us that if I allow myself not to be in control for a single moment, I can make some pretty terrible decisions."

"Did they?"

His simple two-word question caused her to pull back in surprise and stare up into his face. "Uh, I'm sorry, were we both there for the same situations?"

"Oh, we were both there, I'm just not sure we drew the same lessons from them."

"You literally told me that I was out of control in some of those cases. Tuvok called me reckless, then called that an understatement." She stopped at his slight smile. "What?"

"I'm not at all disputing the recklessness of the decisions. Just the cause of that recklessness. The alien experiments, for example. How long had you been dealing with those headaches before we discovered them?"

"Ugh. Too long."

"How long?"

"I honestly don't know. Weeks. A month."

"And in that time frame, how often did you let go of your control?"

"I…it's not...I mean, how do I even answer that? We saw what happened when I did lose control."

"Yes, but that's exactly it, Kathryn. You _lost_ control. Actually, in many ways, recklessness of flying us all through a pulsar aside, you were still in control even then. A tenuous control, but control nonetheless. Like the difference of being on a horse that isn't listening to your commands - one you're not in control of - versus being in control but leading the horse on a crazy path."

"Speaking of a crazy path, I think I've lost the path of this conversation somewhere along the way."

He smiled a little but continued seriously. "My point is this, Kathryn: they broke your tightly reigned control, but only enough to turn it into a wild path of control instead of the straight and orderly path you usually prefer. Not boring," he added quickly, holding up his hand to deflect the arguments he could see forming. "Adventurous. Brilliant. But still very by-the-book. Occasionally by slightly rearranging the book, but never out of it. They took you off book, just as Kashyyk did, just as Ransom did. But not once did you ever willingly just . . . let go. Relax. Even when you go to the holodeck to relax, you're still so thoroughly in control. Playing Velocity and always winning, doing holodeck novels and stopping as soon as you feel like you aren't in complete control of the direction it takes, rewriting holodeck characters to fit your specifications." He paused. "What if . . . what if we have a date tonight?"

She blinked at the seemingly sudden change of topic, but went with it. "I would love to. But . . . you know, the Doctor can only adjust my hypospray so many times and in so many ways." This wasn't new information. The chronic stress of being so far from home, and without even a ship's counselor on board, meant that her wacky brain chemistry was constantly shifting. "I'm just not sure my . . . mood . . . will be quite where it should be."

He tapped her nose. "Your mood will be just fine, whatever it is. I'll be happy just to spend time with you."

She thought a moment longer, then nodded. "Your quarters or mine?"

"Holodeck."

"Do you have holodeck time scheduled already?"

He shook his head and said, "I'm not telling you. I'm not telling you anything about it except that you should be there at 1800 hours and wear something comfortable. I am in charge here. I will make all the decisions. You need to take a break from decisions for a while. Let somebody else bear it." He watched her face carefully as he said this, apparently looking for any signs that she was uncomfortable with this.

In truth, she _was_ uncomfortable with this, extremely uncomfortable. But she was also trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. So, tensely and with a little hesitation, she said, "Okay."

He looked at her a moment longer before he said, "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"I can see you thinking through all the possibilities of where we might go and what we might do and what you'll do or not do in any of those situations."

"Oh my. You do know me well."

"Yes, I do. And I know that this is going to be really hard for you, and I promise to give you too much grief or push you too hard. But I do think it will be good for you, too."

She leaned her head on his shoulder and nodded slightly. He quickly dropped a kiss into her hair and then murmured against the top of her head, "You'll be okay, Kathryn. I know you will."

"How? How can you know?"

"Because I know you, remember? I know you that well. And I know that despite whatever lies the darkness may tell you, you always come through it and you're always okay."


End file.
